By the end of this lesson, the student should:

(1) Embrace God’s design and purposes for marriage.

(2) Understand the value of women from God’s perspective.

(3) Commit to personal obedience to God’s principles for Christian marriage.

Hernando Cortes is not an example that we should follow in his character and ambitions. However, one of his actions demonstrated total commitment to his goals. In the spring of 1519, Hernando Cortes led an expedition to conquer the territory that is now called Mexico. The governor of Spain sponsored the mission with 11 ships and 700 men. After months at sea Cortes and his men finally reached the shores of Mexico. The next challenge was to travel across land to the capital city. Cortes knew that the travel on land would be difficult and dangerous. He wanted his men to realize that turning back was not an option, so he burned all the ships. He made a return to Spain impossible and at the same time created a powerful motivation to succeed. Likewise, every person entering marriage should be absolutely committed, realizing that when he is married there is no other option.

Biblical marriage is a beautiful thing.[1] But couples who want to experience its beauty and taste its goodness must examine what the scriptures teach about it, and then pursue obedience to what they learn. A satisfying marriage requires effort and sacrifice.

► Would someone like to share about how he/she entered marriage expecting benefits but not realizing the commitment necessary?

To begin to understand marriage we must go back to its beginning—back to Genesis. The creation story teaches us about marriage.

Biblical Marriage is for Fellowship

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’” (Genesis 2:18).

Just as God is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in fellowship, God designed us to be social. We were made for conversation. We were created for intimacy and fellowship. God said that being alone is not good!

Every part of the Genesis description of events gives dignity to marriage. God took a rib from the man and made it into a beautiful woman, another person, equally made in God’s image, equal in value, but different in design, who completed the man. She “is brought with special honor to the man as the Creator’s last and most perfect work.”[1]

Marriage is to be a joyful union.

When Adam said, “This at last is bone of my bones” (Genesis 2:23) he was expressing respect and delight. Adam didn’t say, “Finally, a slave! Now I have someone to do my laundry, cook my food, massage my back, and do my chores!” No, Adam said, “At last, a helper who completes me!”

Marriage is to be a union of equals.

“...a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18). God designed woman to perfectly match and complete man.

Matthew Henry reminds us, “The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved”.[2] Woman was neither inferior nor superior to man, but was comparable to him.

Marriage is to be a covenant union.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Strong marriages don’t depend upon romance, (romantic feelings come and go), or pleasure, (though healthy marriages bring joy), or personal fulfillment (though strong marriages are indeed fulfilling). The wonderful benefits of marriage do not cause a strong marriage; they are the result of a strong marriage. Marriage is established on the unshakable foundation of covenant—one man and one woman exclusively committed to one another for life.

Marriage is to be a transparent, trusting, accepting relationship—“And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). Because sin had not yet corrupted the innocence of the first couple, their marriage was without judgment, without shame, and without fear. The New Testament tells us, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4).

A strong marriage does not exist where there is insecurity, distrust, suspicion, or fear, where spouses are not sure of one another’s commitment to the marriage. Strong marriages require a steadfast pledge that only ends when one spouse dies (Romans 7:1-2).

God’s intention is that marriage be a lifelong covenant between one man and one woman (Matthew 19:3-6). Paul said that believers are not under bondage when their unbelieving spouses separate from them (1 Corinthians 7:15), but a believer should not seek separation from an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:12-14, 16). Paul had previously written that the Lord said the same: believers are not to choose to leave/separate from their spouses, but if they do, they must not marry someone else (1 Corinthians 7:10-11, Matthew 5:31-32, Matthew 19:9).

Covenant love is self-giving, respectful, and beautifying even when the relationship is difficult (1 Corinthians 13). Weak commitment produces tentative effort, emotional disconnection, withdrawal, and temptation.

A husband is living out covenantal love when he never gives up on his bride even when she is unresponsive, or disrespectful, or sick. A wife is living out covenantal love when she chooses to respect and obey her husband, for Christ’s sake, even when her husband isn’t loving her.

His love wins her respect, and her respect wins his love. And they continue to grow!

► What problems result if people marry while thinking that they can change their decision later if they are unhappy with the marriage? What difference does total commitment make—when a person believes that his marriage is permanent?

Biblical Marriage is the Place for Creation: Procreation

“Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward” (Psalm 127:3).

Children are a gift from God, but in a sense they are also the parents’ gift to God. “Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth” (Malachi 2:15). God desires godly children from the union of a believing husband and wife.

Some people prefer to follow a lifestyle that does not include children, but the Bible teaches that God is pleased when parents have godly children.

It’s important to note that it is not reproduction alone that God wants, but godly children. Parents are called by God to teach their children to follow Christ.

Biblical Marriage is for Christ

In Ephesians 5:30-32, the Holy Spirit reveals a deeper meaning of marriage, hidden until Jesus came. Marriage is an earthly picture—a reflection—of the relationship between Jesus Christ and his church.

Paul begins this section by exhorting believers to be filled with the Spirit (Ephesians 5:18). It is in this context that he offers the following instruction on marriage:

The Spirit-filled bride will submit to her groom (her “head”) in the Lord, in the same way that believers submit to Jesus (Ephesians 5:24, 32; see also 1 Peter 3:1). This is the way she shows respect to Jesus and her husband.

It is important for every wife to have the Lord in mind in her submission. It is to him and for him that she submits and not just for her husband. Her eye is on Jesus, who alone is without fault. A wife’s willing submission to her husband is an act of worship to Jesus.

Biblical submission, like love, cannot be forced. Biblical submission is a gift which wives offer their husbands out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:33). Submission in everything, is an act of worship to Jesus.[3]

The submission of a wife to her husband is an act of respect (verse 33) for him, as part of the Spirit-filled life (Ephesians 5:18-21). This honor, coming from a gentle and quiet spirit, is very precious in the sight of God (1 Peter 3:4-5).

The Spirit-filled groom will love his bride as Jesus loves his church (Ephesians 5:25). The groom must love her as he loves his own body (Ephesians 5:28-29). He must manifest the same Spirit-filled self-sacrifice as Jesus manifested toward his church when he gave himself up for her. This is his act of submission (Ephesians 5:21). One commentator put it like this:

As he (Jesus) gave himself to suffer on the cross to save the church, so we are to be willing to deny ourselves and to bear the toil and trial, that we may promote the happiness of the wife. It is the duty of the husband to toil for her support; to provide for her needs; to deny himself of rest and ease, if necessary, in order to attend on her in sickness; to go before her in danger; to defend her if she is in peril; to bear with her when she is irritable; to cling to her when she is pushing him away; to pray with her when she is in spiritual trouble; and to be ready to die to save her. Why should this not be? If they are shipwrecked, and there is a single plank on which safety can be secured, should he not be willing to place her on that, and see her safe at all hazards to himself? But there is more… a husband should feel that it should be the one great object of his life to seek the salvation of his wife. He is to furnish her all that she may need for her soul… And he is to set the example; to counsel her if she needs counsel; and to make the path of salvation as easy for her as possible. If a husband has the Spirit and self-denial of the Savior, he will regard no sacrifice too great if he may promote the salvation of his family.[4]

The groom is to seek the purity of his bride as Christ purifies his bride, the church, “that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her… [and] present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing” (Ephesians 5:26-27).

In ancient times the brides of monarchs were physically purified with costly beauty treatments—“six months with oil of myrrh and six months with spices and ointments for women” (See Esther 2:12). In this way a virgin was prepared for her husband.

In a spiritual sense, the husband is to provide every means necessary for the flourishing of his wife—faithfulness, unconditional love, understanding, prayer, counsel, teaching and kindness.

When the husband treats his wife with such love, he will be repaid with happiness. Paul says, “He who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28). Husbands who love their wives in this self-sacrificing way will be more than repaid by the Lord, and most likely by the respect, affection, and faithfulness of his wife.

► What are specific things a husband should do to provide spiritual support to his wife?

(1) They must celebrate God’s original design and appreciate their unique roles within the marriage.

A husband must remember that his wife is a gift from God, a helper who completes him. He must lay down his life for her security and her spiritual, emotional and physical well-being. He must choose gratitude for her and love her even when she is least deserving, realizing that only God can change what needs to change in her. God will honor his obedience and faith.

A wife must honor God’s choice of her husband as her head, show him respect in every way she can, and honor his leadership. She must choose submission and respect even when he makes mistakes and is least deserving, praying that God will change what needs to change in him. God will honor her obedience and faith.

(2) Married couples must cultivate true spiritual and physical intimacy.

They must seek to know each other without fear, criticism, comparison to others, abuse, lust, self-gratification, or degradation. They must live with transparency and integrity before God and one another.

(3) Married couples must follow the example of God’s grace when they fail to measure up.

When Adam and Eve fell into sin and felt shame and regret, God revealed his power to redeem their failures. God sacrificed an animal to make coats for Adam and Eve for the covering of their nakedness (Genesis 3:21). This loving act of God was a picture of grace and of God’s promise of redemption through Christ. Christ enables us to be forgiven and restored. Through Christ, married couples can return to intimacy without shame even after they’ve failed.

Women were considered inferior to men in the first-century Roman world and in Judaism. A low view of women is still prevalent in many cultures around the world, and in many homes. Women are disrespected, used as sexual objects, and abused. But Jesus’s high regard for women should serve as our example.

For Christ, women have inherent dignity and value equal to that of men. Jesus said, “He who created them from the beginning made them male and female” (Matthew 19:4, Genesis 1:27). Women are created in the image of God just as men are. Like men, they have self-awareness, personal freedom, a measure of self-determination, and personal responsibility for their actions. Females are seen by Jesus as genuine persons, not simply as the objects of male desire. He viewed them as persons for whom he had come into the world (Luke 8:1-3).

James Borland, with John Piper and Wayne Grudem, offers these clear examples of Jesus’ high view of women and his respect for women as found in the four Gospels:

(1) Jesus regularly addressed women directly while in public.

This was unusual for a man to do in Jesus’ day (John 4:27). The disciples were amazed to see Jesus talking with the Samaritan woman at the well of Sychar (John 4:7-26). He also spoke freely with the woman taken in adultery (John 8:10-11). Luke notes that Jesus spoke publicly with the widow of Nain (Luke 7:12-13), the woman with the bleeding disorder (Luke 8:48, Matthew 9:22, Mark 5:34), and a woman who called to him from a crowd (Luke 11:27-28). Jesus addressed a woman bent over for 18 years (Luke 13:12) and a group of women on the route to the cross (Luke 23:27-31).

(2) Jesus showed his respect and high regard for women by how he spoke to them.

He spoke in a thoughtful, caring manner. Matthew, Mark and Luke record that Jesus addressed the woman with the bleeding disorder as a “daughter” and referred to the disabled woman as a “daughter of Abraham” (Luke 13:16). By calling them “daughters of Abraham” Jesus places them on an equal spiritual status with “sons of Abraham.”

(3) Jesus shows the inherent value of women by holding them personally responsible for their sin.

This can be seen in his dealings with the woman at the well (John 4:16-18), the adulterous woman (John 8:10-11), and the sinful woman who anointed his feet (Luke 7:44-50). Their sin was not ignored but confronted. His action showed each woman had personal freedom, was responsible for her choices, and must personally deal with the issues of sin, repentance, and forgiveness.

How Jesus’ Value of Women Should Guide the Church Today

The ideal biblical role of women in ministry and in the home is being discussed in many churches and denominations today, as it should be, yet the value and equality of women as persons made in the image of God should never be questioned. Jesus continually showed the worth and dignity of women as persons. Jesus commissioned women as the first heralds of his resurrection (John 20:17). He valued their fellowship, prayers, Christian service, financial support, testimony and witness. Jesus honored women, taught women, and ministered to women in thoughtful ways.

Respect for Women Shown in The New Testament

Jesus’ example of respect for women is seen in the life of the Holy Spirit. On the day of Pentecost, the Holy Spirit was poured out on both sons and daughters, and menservants and maidservants (Acts 2:17-18). The Holy Spirit showed no partiality.

In Romans 16, Paul commends a woman named Phoebe as a servant of the church (verse 1), both Priscilla and Aquila as his fellow workers in Christ Jesus who risked their necks for his life (verses 3-4), Mary as one who worked hard (verse 6), Junia as one well known to the apostles (verse 7), and other women also.

In 1 Thessalonians Paul commends the God-designed tenderness and maternal love of women when he writes, “But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children” (1 Thessalonians 2:7). In Ephesians he commands husbands to love their wives, “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” and as their own bodies (Ephesians 5:25, 28). Peter appeals to husbands to, “live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman” (1 Peter 3:7).

Clearly, women were considered valuable in the early church, and men were taught to be respectful of women. It’s time for spiritual leaders everywhere to stand up for women and to stand against their mistreatment in every culture. It’s time for us to treasure women as persons uniquely designed by their Creator in his image. Any teaching of male and female role distinctions in the church or home must begin with this foundation, or our teaching becomes a pathway for abuse.

Marriage is God’s creation, not man’s. Therefore, we must go to God for instruction, not to the world or culture. He alone knows how to make our marriages strong, enduring and rewarding. But we will never be the spouses we ought to be without the Holy Spirit!

► Explain the principles that the church should teach in order to strengthen marriages. What understanding is especially lacking in your environment?

► How does your culture treat women differently from men?

► How do churches in your country treat women differently from men? Is there a difference between churches and the culture?

► Based on the example of Jesus, what customs should change?

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for giving us the wonderful gift of marriage. Help us to make the commitment necessary for us to experience marriage the way you planned.

Help us to demonstrate a love that is like the love between Christ and the church.

Help us to go beyond the assumptions of our culture in our respect for one another.

Thank you for the work of the Holy Spirit that makes joyful, strong relationships possible.

Amen

(1) Describe in writing the distinctions between men and women that are practiced in your culture. How would those distinctions be reformed by careful application of biblical truth?

(2) Choose two principles that were new to you from this lesson. Write a paragraph explaining each of them in your own words.

(3) Prepare a brief presentation on one of the topics listed below. (The class leader will assign a topic to each student.) Share the presentation at the beginning of the next class time.

• God’s design of union in marriage

• Biblical purposes for marriage

• Ways to strengthen one’s marriage

• A biblical view of women

• God-given roles in marriage and the importance of being filled with the Spirit in order to fulfill those roles